There is something to be said for routine. I am a creature of structure and it keeps my world ticking along quite nicely. The problem with structure and endless routine, is my occasional desire to flip a table, just to break the monotony!
With 2 kids in tow, I know that chaos is an inevitable side effect. After 37 years on this planet, you think I would recognise by now, that I cannot control everything.
That doesn’t stop me from trying…
Control is an illusion, designed to make people like me strive for perfection. Perfection is also an illusion. I have gotten better at accepting that I am ok, as is, but the truth is, I will never stop striving for more….
More happiness, more health, more money, more job-satisfaction, more time. More, MORE, MORE!!!
I know it's wrong to never be satisfied, but the world is designed that way. Why else would Apple release a new iPhone every year, if satisfaction was attainable?! I have the iPhone 6, which is basically like saying I live in the dark ages! I paid far too much, for this stunning piece of technology and I can already sense its imminent redundancy!
I love my life and I definitely make the most of living it, but occasionally I feel a wave of frustration looming on the horizon. It threatens to engulf me, and I don’t do well under water.
I dance between the notion, that I am enough, and the crippling feeling that I could have been so much MORE!
That goddamn word!
It makes sense that I would be feeling this way at the moment. My son is 15 months old and that means that I have devoted the last 24 months to growing a baby and keeping said baby from falling off beds and swallowing all manner of things. I’ve been working on my writing and editing, but otherwise, I’ve been out of the work force. I don’t know what lies ahead and it is giving me a severe case of the heebie-jeebies.
I combat my lack of direction, by running my household like a small business. I wake up, I try to clean the entire house before school drop off. I manage employee one, by allocating her tasks. I manage employee two, by keeping him from destroying everything. I multi-task like it's an Olympic Sport and I am going for GOLD!
I utilise nap-times, by writing, editing, checking emails and hanging out clothes. I make myself eat a well-prepared, healthy lunch, that I can share with employee two, because he never stops wanting what I have. I make myself exercise, because that definitely feels like work. I get to school pick up and listen, as employee one attempts to break the world record, for most words spoken until bed time.
I prepare dinner, feed employee two, put him to bed at 7, entertain employee one and put her to bed at 8.
I knock off….
I am exhausted.
I use adult time to ponder, why am I not doing MORE with my life….
In reality, I find parenting to be the most rewarding job I've ever had. My employees – I mean my kids, are the absolute best, and I know I am doing a good job of keeping them happy and healthy.
I will be maintaining my life of structure and routine, with the occasional side of table-flipping, for now, because despite any impending frustration, I am the happiest I have ever been.
My next move remains a mystery, but people love a bit of mystery….